Entrega total

"Entrega total" - this is the Spanish phrase that came into my mind several days ago as I was feeding my mom. It is always hard to give a good translation, but when you "entregarte" completely to something you surrender to it, let go of yourself, devote yourself completely. You give all of yourself. You don't hold anything back. It was the phrase Elder used to describe us when we first fell in love. And now I feel this way about my mother as I accompany her in this final stage of life.

In the beginning, I felt some resistance to this. As I would feed my mother, I would grow bored. It takes such a long time. I was standing there by myself, no one to keep me company, no TV to watch, just me slowly, painstakingly, spoon-feeding my mother, pausing for awhile in between each bite. I would get impatient and frustrated, wishing there was someone with me to talk to, a television show, or something to keep me entertained.

But after my first few days, I came to a more enlightened realization. I realized that these are precious moments with my mother that will not last very long. It is truly a special time, a time in my life that I can devote completely to another person. The person who gave me life. My mother. I started looking at it just a little differently. And then I would look at her differently as I fed her. I would look at her with love and sympathy, stroking her hair and pushing it back from her face as she slowly swallowed her food. I just let go. Let go of my desire for entertainment, to be occupied all of the time. I started to simply be in the moment, to truly dedicate myself to her and let go of myself. To be with her, and only her.

Everyone reminds us to take care of ourselves - take breaks, get out for a walk or run, talk to a friend, watch a favorite TV show. We do these things and they are important. And at the beginning, I felt I needed to make *more* real time for myself, give myself more breaks. I got frustrated with some little things. But after more time passed, I started to think... I don't want any more breaks. As things have progressed, I've realized that the time will come all too soon when I will get more of a "break" than I ever wanted. Once this is all over, I will really miss these times with my mom.

I already do. I actually wrote those first three paragraphs several days ago now, and already things are quite different.

Over the past couple days, my mom has stopped responding as much. She rarely opens her eyes now and when she does, she doesn't seem to see. At least she doesn't see me. I wonder what she does see. I haven't had a smile in days, a "Hi," an "I love you" or any sort of response when she would look me in the eyes. I am now more grateful than ever for those special moments we had when I was feeding her or playing music for her. Though they weren't much - just snippets of conversation - they were something. A glimpse of who my mom was, her smile, a look, an eyebrow raise, a couple words. Now all that is gone.

Yesterday, our favorite home health aide Kathy told me not to give up. There may still be some moments when she could become lucid. You should keep trying, she said. So I keep talking to her and playing music for her.

Later in the day, when my dad was giving my mom her pills mixed in applesauce, she was only taking a tiny bit at a time, just sucking a little off the spoon. My dad joked, "Well, at this rate, it'll take all afternoon to get these pills in." And my mom chuckled! She didn't open her eyes or say anything, but her mouth turned up as she chuckled a little bit. We savored that moment, and laughed along with her.

You never know what might be getting through. And so you just have to assume everything can get through, and keep talking to her and giving her the same love, kisses and care we have been. The same entrega total as we move forward in my mother's final journey in life.

In a way, now it is even more of an entrega total because there are little, if any, rewards to be had with the shared smiles or "I love you's." We can no longer expect anything in return. Now we simply devote ourselves to her because we love her unconditionally, because she deserves a peaceful and dignified goodbye from this life.